I was cruising through the internets over the weekend and came across
something that really pissed me off. It's not the first time I've seen
this, but it made me more angry than it usually does and it was really
hard for me to bite my tongue and not saying anything.
Ok,
first of all, I will admit that I was looking at pictures and profiles
of sexy menzes. It's something I like to do. I have a condition. It's
called being gay.
Anyway, this guy said that he cares
about himself and has good self-esteem. Therefore he works out
regularly. Ok. Fair enough. Then he goes on to say that he doesn't like
overweight people because they are "lazy and don't like themselves."
He's only interested in getting to know people who love themselves
enough to be muscular and fit. Ummm. . .
Ok, I will
give him this much: Exercise promotes health and well-being and we all
owe it to ourselves and the people we love to be healthy. So, yeah, I
get it.
At the same time, who is he to judge somebody
else's motivation? For example, research I reviewed years ago while
working on my Master's Thesis has found that male body builders and
female models have lower than average self-esteem. Many athletes use
performance enhancing drugs and steroids to achieve their level of
physical perfection, but sacrifice their health in the process.
Wrestlers, boxers, and body builders dehydrate themselves in order to
lose weight for competitions, which can damage every system in their
bodies! Many people who meet our culture's standard of beauty achieve
their look through unhealthy eating habits and the use of diet drugs and
supplements that damage their hearts, livers, kidneys, and other
systems. You can't tell by looking at someone if they have high
cholesterol, high blood pressure, or other problems that may have been
brought on by eating unhealthy eating habits. I can't tell if this guy's
lungs are blackened from the cigarettes he smokes (that help suppress
his appetite) or his liver is destroyed by the alcohol he soaks himself
in or the meth he takes to keep himself partying all night. (And I'm not
saying he does any of those things. . . ) You also can't see if people
have cancer from the crap they've been pumping into their bodies. Can I
point to Lance Armstrong as just one example? Does anybody doubt for a
second that his testicular cancer was at least contributed to by his
doping--doping that was reportedly done by applying steroid patches to
his g'nads?!
Recent reports published in peer reviewed journals actually suggest that people who are slightly overweight (I said
slightly overweight--not
obese) who exercise regularly are likely to live longer with fewer
health complications than people who are at or below the recommended
weight by BMI standards? I should also mention that BMI is a flawed way
of evaluating a person's weight and fitness/fatness. BMI does not
distinguish between lean body mass and fat, so most athletes are classed
as overweight or even obese (muscle weighs more than fat). Don't
believe me? Look up stats on some of your favorite athletes and then
plug their information into an online BMI calculator--you'll be amazed!
The truth is that the more people work out and especially the more they
beef up and build muscle, the more statistics say that we our nation is
overweight. Do you doubt that there are people in the health professions
and, particularly, the diet industry that have a vested interest in
keeping those numbers skewed? The bigger the problem the bigger the
sales hook and the bigger the research grants to study the problem and
come up with a cure.
Now, I am NOT saying that it
isn't important to be fit and healthy. Seriously, if you read my blog
you know that's the last thing I would suggest. What I AM saying is that
this issue is more complex than just whether your online profile
picture you took as a shirtless selfie in the bathroom mirror of you
pinching your nipple looks hot or not. I freely admit that I am too
large for my health. I'm working hard to change that. I found that, for
me, eating mostly vegetarian but eating quite a lot of dairy contributed
to high cholesterol levels and ultimately a plaque rupture, clot,
blockage, and heart attack. I've eliminated dairy from my diet at this
point (after tapering down it's now been almost two weeks, yo!). I spend
5+ hours a week on the treadmill/elliptical/StairMaster each week, and
that's something I don't plan to stop doing. The reality is that I
DO love
myself and I do take care of myself. I don't think I'm ever going to
look the way this asshat thinks that someone with good self-esteem who
loves himself is supposed to look, and that's OK with me. I want to be
healthy and fit. That's what I care about.
So, then why
did this moron's post bother me so much? Because I do struggle with
self-esteem, and more importantly, I'm not the only person seeing his
profile. How many other guys have hit on his profile and felt the sting
of those words? Maybe they are struggling with their self-esteem, too. I
mean, it's pretty hard for a chubby gay dude to feel good about
himself. It is. And don't talk to me about the bears--the bears are no
different. They have their own hierarchy of body types and I will tell
you right now that the people at the top of their food chain are the
muscle bears--they're essentially the circuit queens who got tired of
shaving their chests every day. And they're hot! I'd say that next down
from them are the burly bears--the ones who are basically muscle bears
with a gut. Next are the bears--they're masculine and strong but also a
bit "big." Next are the otters and cubs--leaner or slightly bigger
mini-bears. And then finally we come to the big bears--the chubby hairy
folk who are not necessarily built as well; the twink chasers--thin and
usually feminine boys who like big daddy bears; and last, and in most of
their eyes, least, the chubs--fat guys. I'd throw myself in there as a
chubby cubby, but I've never felt like I fully fit in. And I'm sure I'm
leaving some folks out--polar bears, daddies, etc., but you get the
point.
Chubby gay dudes like me have to fight for our
right to self-esteem. And I have to say that my self-esteem has improved
since my high school years. I am intelligent, kind, sweet, loyal,
strong willed, courageous, and funny. I am also more determined than the
average bear. This bitch doesn't give up. I have a great career, an
excellent credit rating, and a vacation home that's paid for. I have a
lot to be proud of, and I am! At the same time, I usually want to change
back into lounge pants and a hoodie and watch Netflix when I am getting
ready to go out and I look in the mirror. . . because if I'm truthful I
just don't feel like I belong in those gay spaces. And it's not all in
my head. A few years ago I was spit on by a guy while I walked up
Halstead Street in Chicago--he said, "You're fucking ugly, dude. We
don't want you here. Go home, fat ass!" Seriously. At least he had the
balls to say it to my face (though I wish he hadn't sprayed it, as
well!). I've had other guys make crude comments about me to one another
thinking I couldn't hear them and I once said hello to someone I had
been chatting with online who said, "you have me confused with someone
else--I'm not on that website." I asked my friend who was bar tending
what the guy's name was and he told me--he then told me his handle on
the website we're all on. I confronted the guy later in the evening
about it and he said he lied because he didn't want his friends to know
he had chatted with me. "I'm a nice guy and I like chatting with you,
but they're bitches." Clearly. And, speaking of bartenders, I have been
blatantly ignored by bartenders and servers before who spent their time
flirting with customers they found more attractive. Jokes on them: I'm a
great fucking tipper.
Ok, so at this point, I feel
like I need to point out that I'm pretty content to sit at home with my
dog and cat and watch Netflix! Also, I don't want this to sound like the
pity party that I
know it does. I'm not unhappy, and these
things I've mentioned do not define me or how I feel about myself.
However, they do represent a real, not imagined, set of challenges to
the way I feel about myself on a daily basis. Every day I have to battle
the messages I receive from the media as well as real people that say
that I am less desirable than, less deserving than, less attractive
than, less loveable than--that I am less than people who look better
naked than I do, and that's bullshit! And, if I'm going to be honest
here (which
is the goal), I have to admit that I have bought into
this
asshole's perspective. I have. I fight it, but I find myself thinking
the same way he does--that fitter people are better than I am. I
shouldn't have to battle the world and myself on the subject, too, but I
do. And, I feel like I'm making strides toward winning the battle--not
because I'm losing weight and getting more fit, but because I'm
improving my health and reminding myself daily of all the reasons why I
am
more than what some people may think I am. I often remind
myself of a Margaret Cho bit (from Revolution?) where she talks about
how much time we waste stopping to look at ourselves in the mirror or a
window, changing our clothes several times before we go out, and trying
to mask our bodies to look the way others tell us to. Seriously, think
about it! How much more could you accomplish every day if you took back
that time? How much more could you accomplish if you stopped wasting
your energy worrying about what other people think of the way you look
and put that energy toward something productive--like exercising,
studying, volunteering, or, hell, starting a fucking riot!? Think about
it.
I guess what I'm trying to say here, in my own
rambling incoherent sort of way, is that this guy really pissed me off.
But, it's more than that. He reminded me to get angry at myself! Yes,
he's a dbag. But, he doesn't know me. He doesn't know who he's talking
about. And, he doesn't know who he's messing with! I do. I know me, I
know how great I am, and I know who I'm messing with. I'm much stronger
than the bullshit in my head and it's time to fight back a little bit
harder to get that crap out of my head. I deserve it. I deserve a lot of
things, but being spit on is not one of them and neither is being
figuratively spit on by myself. I think I do that to myself sometimes,
and I need to tell that bitch to sit down and shut the fuck up before I
knock her teeth in. (Ok, that's a figurative beat down, not a literal
one. No need to arrange for a psych eval. . . ) And part of giving
myself a break is to check my perceptions of others. My goal is to be
healthy. Yes, some dudes are hotter than I am. And I don't mind that
because I like looking at them. I'm just keeping it real, folks. But I
can't assume that they are more healthy than I am and I can't assume
that their lives are better than mine is or that they are happier than I
am. I also can't compare myself to them. Their goals are not
necessarily the same as mine. I have no idea what demons they're
fighting. I know I called the guy who's profile I cruised a lot of
names, and I have to say I'm sorry for that. I'm not going to go back
and edit this post because I want it to be honest. But, honestly, I'm
sorry. The more I think about it the more I suspect he's got some
issues, too. Usually when people proclaim that they have good self
esteem (or good morals, good credit, good whatever) they're trying to
cover up for something their lacking (or trying to convince themselves
that it's true). I don't know him, so I don't know. But, whatever it is
he's working through I hope he's doing as well as I am.
